Thursday, November 02, 2006

Breaking Down Teen Wolf

Here's a thought-provoking e-mail from Scuffy McGee:

My buddy and I were talking about how Teen Wolf is the worst example of revenge, or even "got ya last." In a scene at the bowling alley in the middle of the movie, Mick (Bully) says he killed Scott's (Wolf) mother. Scott's retaliation is to then beat Mick in the High School Championship basketball game and celebrate in his face. I don't know about you, but I'm pretty sure this does not constitute an "Even Steven" situation. Your thoughts?

My thoughts? You're 100 percent correct, buddy. That's not even close to square one. That's an underwhelming proportional response by any definition if you ask me, and you just did.

But my real pickin' bone with this movie isn't specific to Teen Wolf, though this particular movie is possibly the worst offender. Are you telling me that guy Mick was a high school student? He looked about 34 at the time. That asshole coulda been Ron Livingston's older brother. Now I was a bit of a late bloomer, but I'm pretty sure that dude had more hair volume on his chest than a '70s beaver.

Even worse, however, have you ever noticed that when Scott is making those no-time-left foul shots, Mick just stands directly below the basket, staring eye-to-eye with his rival? I'm no Ed Hightower, but I'm pretty sure someone's gotta ask him to move to one side of the lane. Nah, I'm kidding, I actually am Ed Hightower.

Slack Link of the Day: EB passed along this awesome story of a G.O.B. Bluth wannabe named Patrick the Escape Artist. You see, Patrick's latest illusion on the 80th anniversary of Harry Houdini's non-escape death landed him in a Miami jail. Aren't magicians supposed to end every escape trick a free man? Tough stuff, G.O.B.

Slack Quick Link of if the Day: Here's an absolutely tasteless but priceless link from YTMND. But wait 'til the song loops all the way through, there's a nice surprise in there.

Slack Video of the Day: Another celebrity sex tape? Good God, haven't we had enough of these assfaces trying to keep themselves in the limelight? This clip's safe for work at least.

Slack Song of the Day: Eight years ago tonight, the popular rock band Phish whipped out a complete and flawless Dark Side of the Moon in a half-filled Utah arena. What most people don't remember is the sick Tube > Drowned opener and the fairly terrible Smells Like Teen Spirit encore. Happy anniversary, ya dirty wooks.

29 Comments:

At 10:31 AM, Blogger Alex Fritz said...

Eddie Hightower is THE man. Back before he used to do all the Big-Ten games, he actually reffed a few of my High School games. Make no mistake about it, that man called a fair game. Plus, he'd give you the old heave ho faster than Angel Hernandez. Once tee'd me up while I was on the bench. Well, actually I was on the court, but I should have been on the bench. I guess that's why I gots teed up.

In closing, Ed Hightower rules.

 
At 10:43 AM, Blogger Don Fiedler said...

I don't think that's a fair assessment of the "payback." You seem to forget that Scott also launched the hottest dance craze of the mid-80s: "The Wolf." Nothing the bully could do about that.

Plus Scott totally saw his girlfriend's lacy bra in the dressing room. And the bully lost his girl simply by being a total jerk whereas Scott got his in spite of biting her in the closet.

That smacks of payback.

 
At 10:58 AM, Blogger Mr. Underhill said...

"Mick just stands directly below the basket, staring eye-to-eye with his rival?"

Your thoughts re the foul shot reminded me of another (albeit far more obscure) impossible sports movie moment. In The Scout (Albert Brooks and Brendan Fraser), Fraser is supposed to strike out 27 straight St. Louis Cardinals to win a big game. The final at-bat is a dramatic showdown with Ozzie Smith, and Fraser, predictably, strikes him out. Wouldn't that mean that Ozzie was batting 9th? That's impossible, right? Didn't anyone catch that? They had Bob Costas doing the play-by-play and he didn't say anything? I bet he did and the producers were like, "This is a piece of sh*t anyway so just f*ck it. Bob - don't you say a goddam word to anyone else or we will come to your house and cut you."

 
At 11:08 AM, Blogger MDS said...

And what was with Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn? Was he a starter or a closer? Make up your mind, Lou Brown.

And how did Norman Dale run six-player passing drills after he had kicked two guys off the team and was down to five?

And when Forrest Gump scores that kickoff return touchdown because he's so much faster than everyone else on the field, how is it that the referee is keeping up with him?

 
At 11:11 AM, Blogger Don Fiedler said...

And how come in the Natural can Hobbs throw the ball normally when everyone knows Redford is a limp-wristed gay?

 
At 11:13 AM, Blogger Alex Fritz said...

Wow... don, underhill, and mds have all made me question the way I see the world already.

 
At 11:20 AM, Blogger ScuffyMcgee said...

Underhill, I am glad that you brought up The Scout. In the movie, the announcers introduce Ozzie Smith as the final batter and make it sound like he's some sort of slugger or something. This has always bothered me because if my teammate had a perfect game going and the only thing in his way is Ozzie Smith, I'm halfway through a bottle of Champagne before the Wizard has even taken the donut off his bat!

 
At 11:28 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

And which Hobbit was driving that car in Lord of the Rings?

And why doesn't Chevy Chase notice that his kids keep changing?

And how could Leonardo Dicaprio have gone ice fishing in Lake Wissota in Chippewa Falls, Wisconsin prior to the Titanic sinking when the lake is man-made and wasn't filled with water until like 1920?

 
At 11:55 AM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Yeah yeah, and what about The Pelican Brief...there's just no way that a woman could ever be smart enough to put all that together herself. I mean, a woman and a black guy combining to break open the case of two murdered Supreme Court justice? I highly doubt that. Too far-fetched, Grisham!

 
At 12:03 PM, Blogger hoobs said...

I guess nobody on this site lives by the old adage, "the best revenge is living well." Go figure.

 
At 12:04 PM, Blogger Lozo said...

the Teen Wold aspect of this post was great. everything else was just cream cheese.

 
At 12:05 PM, Blogger Lozo said...

that's right. i meant Teen Wold. asshole.

 
At 12:17 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

I love cream cheese. But I'm not sure if you meant it as a good thing or a bad one. Do you like cream cheese or no?

 
At 12:41 PM, Blogger poophopanonymous22 said...

i know i am waaaay late on this, but had to give it some props...

WOW, AMAZING Deadwood Costume!!!!!!!!!!!! kudos bar!

 
At 12:51 PM, Blogger Sisto said...

I enjoy cream cheese.


That is all.

 
At 1:42 PM, Blogger Don Fiedler said...

And how the hell could Michael J. Fox have calmly sank those two pressure packed free throws? Usually he's too busy doing the Twist to do anything so precise. Did Styles shoot him up with a stem cell or something?

 
At 1:52 PM, Blogger Chilly Jackwater said...

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Back up! Beep, beep, beep. I never thought I'd say this but I just stopped what I was doing and googled "teen wolf" "killed his mother." I have no recollection of Mick killing Scott's mother. Did I miss something? Is that in the Extras on the DVD? Did I block it out of my memory? Mick killed Scott's mother?? I don't remember this light-hearted, coming-of-age tale involving homicide. I remember Teen Wolf doing 16 straight backflips on top of a van. I remember the coach's advice to the team (something like: "Never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a state" - citation needed). And I remember that it involved a character named "Boof" who, in 90+ minutes of high school scenes, was never ridiculed once for being named "Boof." Murder? In Teen Wolf? So if Mick did actually murder Scott's mom, why wasn't he serving time in jail? Where did this take place - Boulder? Was any of this addressed in Teen Wolf Too? And was Party Of Five's Scott Wolfe nickname "Teen" when he was growing up?

 
At 2:37 PM, Blogger ScuffyMcgee said...

Chilly,

I don't remember the exact conversation, but in the scene where Pamela and Scott are bowling, angry Mick comes over and starts up with Scott. In this conversation he says something along the lines of "your mother used to come by and steal the chickens so I blew her head off with a shotgun" I apologize that I don't have the exact quote, but if you watch the movie I'm sure you'll pick it up.

 
At 2:54 PM, Blogger Mr. Underhill said...

Chilly:

Further to Scruffy's point, I think the allusion was that his mother was shot while in wolf form, not as a human, thereby making it more of a besticide than a homicide.

San Dimas High football rules!

 
At 3:12 PM, Blogger Lozo said...

come on. that's the best line from Teen Wold.


Coach Finstock: There are three rules that I live by: never get less than 12 hours sleep; never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city; and never get involved with a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body. Now you stick to that, and everything else is cream cheese.

 
At 3:22 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Fair enough. Point taken. Point, LaRusso.

 
At 4:06 PM, Blogger Matty Mac said...

"You don't scare me, freak. Underneath all that hair, you're still a dork, Scott. I've handled your kind before. Your mama used to steal chickens out of the backyard until I blew her head off with a shotgun. Right, Scott?"

- Mick

 
At 4:26 PM, Blogger Chilly Jackwater said...

It's all coming back to me. Then Teen Wolf throws the bowling ball across the bowling alley, right? (Which begs yet another question: If he could throw a bowling ball with such ease, why couldn't he beat the crap out of Mick?)

Anyway, so that wasn't just Mick taunting Teen Wolf? All you Slackers REALLY think Mick actually killed Mrs. Teen Wolf? Then why wasn't he serving time?

And what's with the "stealing chickens" reference? If I remember, they lived in what seemed like a relatively normal surburban town. It could have been Bethesda, MD, or Winetka, IL or Rye, NY. "Stealing chickens"? I'm sorry Ace, but you have really torn the scab off a nerve here. Can we just move on to discuss another movie that has NO holes in the plot? Like Weird Science or Soul Man?

 
At 4:37 PM, Blogger NewmRadio said...

Teen Wolf has just become very Harry Potter-esque with all this new "mother-killing" information. I don't even remember what caused Teen Wolf's hairy affliction... was he born like that? Did his mother turn hairy too?

 
At 4:59 PM, Anonymous HANDSTAND said...

It is a shame that he didn't turn into Teen Wolf during the Spring. The Beacon Town H.S. baseball team finished 1-23 and were the laughing stock of the county. They definitely could have used a wolf to throw the ball 120 mph every fifth day.

 
At 5:04 PM, Blogger ScuffyMcgee said...

Chilly,

I'm thinking he wasn't serving time because even though he looked 34, he was only like 16 or 17 in the movie

 
At 9:08 AM, Blogger Matty Mac said...

I agree with Chilly's "scab off a nerve thing", but I believe that another question begs to be asked. Specifically, forget the fact that Mick "may have" killed Scott's mother or why didn't Scott just beat his ass? We can debate this for hours. It seems that we are debating logistics here, but one logistic has been overlooked: the fact that Scott TURNED INTO A FUCKING WOLF. I don't know about you guys, but if some kid in my high school showed up as a wolf one day, I'm fucking dropping out and going to Iraq. Yet, at Scotty's high school, everyone was kinda like "eh, he's a wolf, moving along....." and then he actually got more popular because he was covered in hair and had fangs. I just don't get it.

I heard he had a sweet nose-to-toes curveball though. What a waste.

 
At 9:32 AM, Blogger dhodge said...

I can't believe that this thread reached 27 comments without anyone bringing up Teen Wolf Too, possibly one of least necessary cinematic sequels of all-time. All the more surprising given the reference to Arrested Development in the Slack LOTD.

 
At 8:54 PM, Anonymous dart said...

the thing i've always wondered about the teen wolf story:

the whole town seemed to be comfortable with the fact that he was a boy/wolf, everyone cept for this one guy, who was a bit weirded out by it all, styles' friend. but they never went deeper into that.

could he have been a vampire perhaps?

 

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