It's Come to This
Ace has asked me for years now what it would take for me to post again. Well, this morning I got an answer. It's the fucking countdown clock for the Michigan-Ohio St. game that is constantly on the ESPN scrolling sports update bar. Jesus Fucking Christ. Countdowns are for important things, like blasting men into space or that vertical lights thing that tells drag racers when to pop the clutch. Not for a game that happens every year that everyone knows is being played anyway. How goddamn stupid do they think we are? This is purely for entertainment value, right? Like hyping up the game? Because it can't be for any practical reason. I'm sure there's no one out there who is tuning into ESPN, seeing the countdown clock, and thinking, "Fuck, only 32 hours and 16 seconds? I better get the bean dip and my big Buckeyes foam finger." No, it's simply because they think we want to see stuff like this. Oh go to hell. Do they think we're really so retarded? Or does it work to their benefit to use personalities like Stephen A. Smith and interview Christian Slater during MNF? Like they know that people are so frustrated by their sheer ineptitude that we've got to blog about it and then they get free publicity? Plus, there's gotta be some guy at ESPN who decides when something is important enough to slap a countdown clock on the screen. It would be nice if they put a countdown clock in his cubicle that counted down to when he'd come up with the next overblown, hypetastic sporting event to use a countdown clock for. And then maybe they could also have a countdown clock counting down to when I detonate C-4 explosives in his office.
How long do you have to be friends with someone in order to make some variation on the "Koreans Eat Dogs" joke? Last night, I did a little karaoke with my colleagues, most of whom had a few pops before we strolled into the joint. While waiting for the room to open up, the Korean owner opened a back door somewhere and a dog started barking. Now I, like most of you would, instantly thought "Dinner" but I wasn't sure if I should make the joke so I suppressed. But the dog kept barking for like 2 straight minutes as if it was tempting me: "Arf arf arf arf rou should rotally make the roke about this Korean guy eating me arf." I couldn't hold out any longer and turned to the girl next to me, who I know basically in an "around the office" kind of way, and said "Geez, he must be having trouble getting dinner in the oven." A second went by when I wasn't sure what the reaction would be and then sure enough, she did the mouth gaping open but in a good way followed by smile and good natured "You're terrible." So I was in the clear. But I think that if Koreans want us to stop making these jokes they should stop eating dogs or just get some thicker skin. If I went to a tapas restaurant and there was a pig oinking in some back room, I could totally get away with saying, "Sounds like the Serrano ham is really fresh tonight." And people would say, "Yes, that's true. Spanish people eat ham." So what's the difference? I don't think the Spanish ham comment would strike people as offensive. So why the Koreans and dogs thing? I think it's that people are secretly ashamed of Koreans for eating dogs in the first place and simply don't want to be reminded.