Friday, November 17, 2006

It's Come to This

Ace has asked me for years now what it would take for me to post again. Well, this morning I got an answer. It's the fucking countdown clock for the Michigan-Ohio St. game that is constantly on the ESPN scrolling sports update bar. Jesus Fucking Christ. Countdowns are for important things, like blasting men into space or that vertical lights thing that tells drag racers when to pop the clutch. Not for a game that happens every year that everyone knows is being played anyway. How goddamn stupid do they think we are? This is purely for entertainment value, right? Like hyping up the game? Because it can't be for any practical reason. I'm sure there's no one out there who is tuning into ESPN, seeing the countdown clock, and thinking, "Fuck, only 32 hours and 16 seconds? I better get the bean dip and my big Buckeyes foam finger." No, it's simply because they think we want to see stuff like this. Oh go to hell. Do they think we're really so retarded? Or does it work to their benefit to use personalities like Stephen A. Smith and interview Christian Slater during MNF? Like they know that people are so frustrated by their sheer ineptitude that we've got to blog about it and then they get free publicity? Plus, there's gotta be some guy at ESPN who decides when something is important enough to slap a countdown clock on the screen. It would be nice if they put a countdown clock in his cubicle that counted down to when he'd come up with the next overblown, hypetastic sporting event to use a countdown clock for. And then maybe they could also have a countdown clock counting down to when I detonate C-4 explosives in his office.

How long do you have to be friends with someone in order to make some variation on the "Koreans Eat Dogs" joke? Last night, I did a little karaoke with my colleagues, most of whom had a few pops before we strolled into the joint. While waiting for the room to open up, the Korean owner opened a back door somewhere and a dog started barking. Now I, like most of you would, instantly thought "Dinner" but I wasn't sure if I should make the joke so I suppressed. But the dog kept barking for like 2 straight minutes as if it was tempting me: "Arf arf arf arf rou should rotally make the roke about this Korean guy eating me arf." I couldn't hold out any longer and turned to the girl next to me, who I know basically in an "around the office" kind of way, and said "Geez, he must be having trouble getting dinner in the oven." A second went by when I wasn't sure what the reaction would be and then sure enough, she did the mouth gaping open but in a good way followed by smile and good natured "You're terrible." So I was in the clear. But I think that if Koreans want us to stop making these jokes they should stop eating dogs or just get some thicker skin. If I went to a tapas restaurant and there was a pig oinking in some back room, I could totally get away with saying, "Sounds like the Serrano ham is really fresh tonight." And people would say, "Yes, that's true. Spanish people eat ham." So what's the difference? I don't think the Spanish ham comment would strike people as offensive. So why the Koreans and dogs thing? I think it's that people are secretly ashamed of Koreans for eating dogs in the first place and simply don't want to be reminded.

20 Comments:

At 11:18 AM, Blogger Alex Fritz said...

You make some interesting points, Mr Fiedler and I, for one, would like to know more. Perhaps you should start up one of the new fangled "blogs" that are all the rage these days.

 
At 11:22 AM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Who the hell is this Fiedler guy and how come I'm locked out of my sweet blahg now? I've been hacked! I've been rotally hacked roday!

I think we should have a countdown clock to every one of Donnie's posts from now on...who's with me? Then maybe we can also have a roundtable where I'm Fowler, Fritz is Corso, Zebra is Herbstreit cuz he's dreamy, Matty Mac is Desmond Howard, MDS is the insufferable Lou Holtz and Trix is a rape-able sideline reporter. And Fritz can put on a blog's mascot every Saturday and we can all laugh and laugh and laugh. Let's do it.

 
At 11:31 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The countdown is for...THE BIGGEST GAME OF THE CENTURY!!

 
At 11:36 AM, Blogger Alex Fritz said...

Blogs have mascots now? Would Slack Lalane's just be a paper mache Rick Danko giant head? Cause I'd be all over that.

 
At 12:20 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

I think Donnie's rant just killed Bo Schmebechler, a mere 27 hours before the game. Sad stuff.

Our mascot would either be Danko's head or a ball of George The Animal Steele's back hair.

 
At 12:21 PM, Blogger DannyNoonan said...

"I've been hacked! I've been rotally hacked roday!"

Rotally? Was that a typo or are you talking like D. Fiedler's Korean dog? Either way, awesome word.

 
At 1:05 PM, Blogger Don Fiedler said...

I bet Bo woke up this morning, turned on ESPN, got all riled up by the countdown, and had a heart attack. Wouldn't it be hilarious if Bo's ghost and the ghost of Earle Bruce were having passionate mansex in heaven during the game? You know they wanted it.

 
At 1:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hope Bo is punching Woody in the face right now.

 
At 1:20 PM, Anonymous JMoney said...

i've got 2 words about why there's a countdown clock: "corporate parent abc/disney pressuring the channel to get good ratings for a game they overpaid for the rights to".

 
At 1:22 PM, Blogger hoobs said...

Do Koreans actually still eat dogs? I thought that was why it was offensive, because it was somewhat of an urban legend or at least a long-past delicacy. Or maybe because it is upsetting for people to think of little Fido or Rex Or Farfel to be eaten. We Amurricans are good at placing stupid taboos on nothing at all.

Go Blue!

 
At 1:27 PM, Blogger Alex Fritz said...

Bo Schembechler is spinning in his grave right now.

 
At 1:34 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

http://youtube.com/watch?v=fhYg_7e3X54

 
At 1:34 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

http://youtube.com/watch?v=fhYg_7e3X54

 
At 2:52 PM, Blogger Claven said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 3:08 PM, Blogger MDS said...

"Wouldn't it be hilarious if Bo's ghost and the ghost of Earle Bruce were having passionate mansex in heaven during the game?"

That comment is wrong on many levels, but I'll just point out the most fundamental: Earle Bruce is not dead.

 
At 3:47 PM, Blogger Don Fiedler said...

Well he should be, jerk.

 
At 3:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lenny Bruce is dead.

 
At 4:01 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

I think Lenny Wilkins and Isaac Bruce are both dead, too.

Neidermayer, dead.

 
At 10:47 PM, Anonymous HANDSTAND said...

You guys need to read the screen more closely. The countdown is actually for the Michigan State vs. Ohio University game.

Nobody gives a shit about the other game.

 
At 11:09 PM, Blogger Lozo said...

who are you, and what have you done with ace? and the return key. my god man, paragraphs are good things.

 

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