Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Make Way For The Waaaaaambulance

With one week to go in our season, my fantasy football team was officially eliminated from playoff contention last night after Shaun Alexander's 201-yard performance. That fucking guy, now I can't stand anyone in the Barber Twins/Vince Carter/Shaun Alexander Family.

And thus concludes the silliest fantasy season in the history of the mock sport. Call it complaining, call is whining, call it Shirley, I don't care. But the ridiculocity of this ridiculousness cannot be understated. Led by overall leader LaDainian Tomlinson, sixth-highest scorer Mike Vick and third-highest scoring wide receiver Javon Walker, I scored 1,408 points this season, good for second most in the league this season. The minor problem? My opponents touched me up for 1,456 points, hundreds of points higher than any other team but one.

It's entirely conceivable that with a solid week, I can actually win the overall points title and still finish with the 7th or 8th best record in the 10-team league. That's laughable, mang! I've scored 275 more points than the odds-on favorite to win the other division, and I've given up 235 more points than the winner of my division. I mean, take away the other top two teams in the league and not a single squad came within 143 points of my total.

But the Kick Me sign remained all season long, and I got smoked week after week despite putting up killer weeks. Shit, my opponents scored more than 100 points on me every single week but one (11 of 12), the only team remotely close to pulling that off. If you ask me, all of this is grounds for breaking someone's occular cavity with a strong headbutt. But I'll resist that urge for the sake of teaching the keeedz good sportsmanship. They look up to me.

Allright, I'm done kvetching. You may now proceed with the links...

Slack Search Referrals of the Day (how people randomly found us from Google): Curt Schilling admits bloody sock was ketchup, Sherman Helmsley PCP why, Huey Lewis when sports came out, how to get a big puss, young couples unkowingly caught fucking by hidden cameras, girls bearhugging men, and George Costanza desk nap.

Slack Link of the Day: According to Britain's top music magazine, Smells Like Teen Spirit is the best song of the last two decades...I guess I've seen worse calls. Interestingly, I've seen worse just one spot lower -- Hey Ya was voted second best song of the last 20 years. Hey Ya is a catchy tune, but the second best song of the last 20 years? That's almost as funny as making Hit Me Baby One More Time the 14th-best song of the last two decades. Quality list, guys.

Slack Video of the Day: I just posted 45 minutes worth of live music videos over on Hidden Track, but I figured for this blog I'd post a video of something else I like that nobody could care less about. Seriously, even if you think soccer is the worst sport in the history of athletics, check out this video of Ronaldinho's SICK bicycle kick against Villareal this weekend. Roommate Dorsey says "That doesn't even make any sense." I concur.

Slack Song of the Day: As I mentioned yesterday, I saw three pretty cool concerts this holiday weekend. The middle show was a band called RAQ, which played three sets "On The L" in a Polish dance club in Greenpoint, Brooklyn. Here's the band's 12/9/2004 show in Northampton, Massachusetts from the RAQ website.


At 11:41 AM, Blogger John Howard said...

Sounds like you had a weak defense.

At 11:52 AM, Blogger poophopanonymous22 said...

agreed Ace, hit me baby one more time should be no worse than top 10 on that list, i call bullshit!

At 12:05 PM, Blogger MDS said...

Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't the Cornershop version of "Brimful of Asha" get, like, no play at all until Fatboy Slim re-mixed it? Wouldn't that indicate the Fatboy Slim version is the one that should make the list?

At 12:12 PM, Anonymous Velvet Sea lives in a McMansion and drives a Hummer said...

it's lists like that that make me say thank heavens i'm american. next up- best movies of the last 20 years: #1: Mr. Bean.

At 2:09 PM, Blogger DannyNoonan said...

I think you're wrong MDS. I had no idea that Fatboy Slim redid "Brimful fo Asha." I was a huge fan of the original though. Also, it's a very British list and Cornershop is a very British band.

At 2:44 PM, Blogger Boski93 said...

Ace, I am totally with you. Fuck Vince Carter. That candyass bitch. He is such a douche bottle.

Hey Vince where were you when I needed you for my Roto hoops team? I tell you the I.R. Thanks for costing me with you "Jumpers Knee". How do you get that with you head up your ass? Eat glass you bastard. Sure it was three years ago, but I will always hold a grude. I hope your Holidays are filled with kicks to groin, but then Vince you are probably into that you asshole.

At 4:03 PM, Blogger jakezebra said...

Angels by Robbie Williams in the 13 spot? Dude lives in a castle, he cannot be happy with only 13. I am sure he hoped to be in the top 7 at least.

At 5:37 PM, Anonymous 4/11 said...

Did you have a shot to get Larry Johnson instead of LT? I know LT has some ridiculous stats, but fantasy teams always seem to do better win wise with Larry Johnson. Whatever combination of points LT was putting up for you must have been irrelevant towards your record. oh well, lesson learned for next year.

At 9:03 PM, Anonymous rumandpopcorn said...

Sounds like you may be my fantasy football reciprocal "mirror" or something. I too have LT, but I have a pedestrian overall point total since I have pretty much no one else. Yet, as of today, I am 10-2.

If it's any consolation, I'll probably get knocked out of the first round of the playoffs, unless Tony Romo keeps this up.

At 11:45 PM, Blogger Matty Mac said...

I want the Haitian voodoo rattle, that would be more electrifying than a hairdryer in a bathtub.

- Matty Mac - reporting live, and bored, from a hotel room in Sarasota, FL.

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