Wednesday, November 01, 2006

We Don't Take Too Kindly...

It occurs to me that this here rag has lately been a touch more racist and small-minded than usual. Sure, everyone's a little bit racist, but in the past fortnight I've managed to nail the Jews, the Koreans, the Mexicans, and probably the retards, though that's not really a race, and they probably deserve it.

Look, I'm a good guy. I'm actually a huge fan of the melting pot. I like all God's creatures, no matter what color their face or what shape their eyes. So what's the best way to tone down the hate speech around here? I'm guessing it wasn't by throwing a Halloween party in which we erected a porous border fence, I dressed as a Border Patrol sheriff and my two roommates showed up as sombrero-clad illegal immigrants. But I'm pretty sure I never once said "Hey you wetback," which is a major accomplishment in the scheme of things.

We also posted signs along the hallway corridor that alerted people they were "Now Leaving Mexico." But I'm not sure anyone even realized they were there, especially my roommates, who passed back and forth through the fence with no problems whatsoever. Hey, it's just like real life in here. Well, maybe this sign is a little wrong:

Did I say I was a border sheriff? Oh, I meant I was actually a dead ringer for the cop from the Sabotage video. This perfect example of doppelganging didn't exactly happen on purpose, but once the fifth person said, "Hey, Sabotage!" I just decided to run with it. Here the Sabotage Cop/Border Patrol Deputy with a failing moustache can be seen asking this illegal immigrant (Roommate Dorsey) for papers:

Fuck the papers, in this shot I think I'm demanding "mas Jack Daniels" from Roommate Glaser, who must have been shitting in his pantalones from my intimidating police presence:

I don't have any official hardware, but I'd like to present my favorite three 'stumes of the night. My real favorite was the gang of four randoms I saw roaming the street earlier dressed as the Publisher's Clearinghouse Prize Patrol, complete with a huge batch of balloons and the giant check. But since I don't know them, and I didn't have a camera, they don't get shit.

First prize goes to the most hysterically obscure costume of the night: Deadwood's Richardson. I'd guess that only about one out of every 100 people knew who Lukas was impersonating with this 'stume, but those that did really enjoyed the kid's effort. I know I did. Deadwood fans, this is ridiculous, no? Easily first prize, especially considering those are real antlers.

Kenny Alias wins second prize with his portrayal of the ultimate holier-than-thou crunchy jaded vet tour wook. Kenny was the first to arrive last night, “fresh from Deer Creek.” He had just wandered the West Village streets whispering “doses” and looking for a sixer of “phatty Sammy Smiths,” making his way up to my place early to tell me what a disaster the current crop of Tweezers have been. “Things were way better before the hiatus,” he lamented.

“Hey, you wanna hit a bowl before more people get here?” I offered Kenny. Without missing a beat he responded, “Nah, I’ve gotta work on an insane Motion for Reconsideration tomorrow.” You can take the wook out of the federal judge clerkship, but you can’t take the federal judge clerkship out of the wook.

And third prize could have been first prize any other year, but there was some stiff competition in 2006 and Stern got hosed. Without any further introduction necessary, Lumberg fucked her:

Let this be a lesson to all of you: Attention to detail reigns supreme.

I guess I can understand the Halloween curmudgeons out one point in my life I was down on the 'Ween. But if you can get wasted on a weeknight and enjoy the freak show on Bleecker Street all night long, well, that's just gravy. Here's to another solid year of being jackasses -- let's do it again next year, eses.

Slack Videos of the Day: A team of street performers roped off a section of Bleecker right as the parade got started and danced for a little while for big crowds. It's always nice to see these guys actually perform in the street -- so it's not just a shitty nickname.

And here's a re-run of Donnie Fiedler struttin' around in his ridiculous costume that likely scarred children for life. Way to go, Don.


At 2:03 PM, Blogger Claven said...

To detect illegal immigrants in your locale, simply check if there is decent ethnic food from the country of origin in your area. As evidenced by the relatively short spread of decent Mexican food north of LA and east of Texas, youse got nothing to worry about. Trust me I'm in "shooting up Halloween" SF, and the Mexican food is mostly awful here. Also very few farms in these big cities.

At 3:43 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think cantor and rosey were robbed in the costume prize department... and also how about roller girl? No slutty girls make the top 3?

At 4:41 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Yeah, The Cantors as Deal or No Deal was pretty funny...they make the top five for sure, but they don't beat those three.

Slutty girls in the Top 3? Dressing like a slut is just eh. Now, acting like a slut, that'll get you a prize...and a face full of semen.

At 6:08 PM, Blogger Kenny Alias said...

Thanks for the honors Ace.

At 7:39 PM, Blogger MonkeyPants said...

You know, I spent most of the evening thinking Lumberg was Larry King... until I saw the coffee mug. Sorry 'bout that.

At 2:37 PM, Blogger The Bourbon Samurai said...

that richardson costume is some classic shit.

At 3:41 PM, Blogger Derek said...

Richardson?? Wow. I mean... wow. What a great costume! Too bad that it was surely underappreciated.


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