Monday, December 11, 2006

"I Peench"

Only three things in this life are guaranteed: The longstanding obvious two are death and taxes; the other is that drunkards will make buffoonish asses of themselves at office holiday parties.

My boss threw us a Christmas party on a yacht after work on Friday, a DJ-danceable affair with an open bar and a look up the Statue of Liberty's dress, that strumpet. It's been a difficult last few months for most of my co-workers, so everyone got good and drunk pretty quickly, leading to a fairly raucous evening on New York's rivers.

Everyone managed to maintain an acceptable level of drunken behavior, except for the one married girl around my age that must've pinched my ass on the dance floor as few as seven and as many as 12 times. And we weren't even busting any moves together; she'd wait until her current partner got her close enough, and then she'd just reach out and lobster claw whichever buttock of mine to which she was closest. I mean, I've been known to handle my liquor poorly, and there was that one time I got all saucy and raped two couch cushions and a Dustbuster, but good god woman, keep it together out there.

Look, I'm no angel. When everyone went upstairs to check out Lady Liberty, did I break out into the loudest, most dead-on Neil Diamond impersonation in our company's storied history? Of course. Did I challenge the line of decency and change the lyrics to his America to ones about illegal Mexican immigrants crossing our borders without documentation and taking jobs that even blacks won't do? Of course.

But did I ever think about sexually harassing and groping a co-worker whilst trying to get my freaky groove on, as much as that slutty blonde intern in the strapless black dress who looks like she can take two cocks at once deserved it? Of course not, fancypants.

Because society has rules, and those rules are to be guarded by men with no need for a sore, red ass. My ass is often sore and red on the weekends (heyyyoooo!), but this pinching business just seemed pretty old-fashioned and completely foreign.

That episode was creepy, and not really all that flattering, despite the fact that she's a pretty cute chick. I guess that kind of forwardness only works on me if I'm not awkwardly drunk around the people I work closely with five days a week, and I'm pretty sure it only works if I know for sure the bathroom stalls can accomodate two people.

In other news from the weekend, Chad Pennington ruined my good time. And yet, I don't know a single Jets fan that thought we were actually gonna beat the 5-7 Buffalo Bills in the Meadowlands. You can change the culture of the team, Mangini, but you can't change the fans' depressingly realist attitude. Hey, at least we're not the Giants, which may make the playoffs or even win the horrid NFC East division, but would you really like to be a Big Blue fan right now? Eli's put together two nice games in a row, yet he still looks like a Special Olympics medal winner. Derr, coach.

Staying with football, Chipotle Bob e-mailed me on Thursday with some new prop bets about the Bengals' recent police troubles from a site called How prophetic, Bob...

1. Will a Cincinnati Bengal's player be arrested before the Superbowl? Yes +300 No -500

2. Which side of the ball will the Bengals next arrest come from? Offence -130 Defense -110

Congratulations Deltha O'Neal, by driving while intoxicated, you just became the eighth Bengal to be arrested this year, and you just made some gamblers very happy. So what's the story here, are all these guys so fucking bored in Ohio that they're lashing out?

How come Peter Frampton settled into Cincinatti very nicely but this team can't cool its jets? Is it because the Brit opened up a souvlaki joint called "Pita Frampton," or is it because he was never as cool as we thought in the first place? That's up to you to decide...

Slack Link of the Day: Here's a friendly tip for youse -- if you're crossing the border and you're about to face the Border Patrol, it may be best to hide the pot...and the alligator. I'd love to be cited for possession of marijuana and restricted wildlife one day.

Slack Business Move of the Day: In a decision that can only be filed under "classic," a South Korean telephone company is making its bills much easier to read, replacing jargon and tech-heavy words with everyday words, showing charges and rates in graph form. But what's the kicker? Starting this month, the telephone bill will now be called "Wonderful Letter." That's fucking awesome. Honey, get out my checkbook, this month's Wonderful Letter is here.

Slack Video of the Day: What an incredible weekend of Premiership action, including a Sunday morning dogfight between Don Fielder's Chelsea and Handstand/Zebra's Arsenal that blew away every single NFL game except for maybe Vince Young winning The Oiler Bowl. There were some absolutely unbelievable goals this weekend, just mindfuckingly ridiculous strikes from all over the pitch.

First, check out Michael Essien's "laser" that tied up the action at Stamford Bridge, then check out Matty Taylor's wonder strike that gave Portsmouth a 1-0 lead against Everton. And just because we love him dearly, here's a solid goal from Blackburn's Morten Gaaamst Pedersen. We'll see you in January, Gamst.

Oh, and if you're paying any attention, my Liverpool squad is back in third after walloping Wigan and Fulham in successive weekends. Since they scored four in the first half against Wigan and four in the second against Fulham, is there any doubt they're gonna score eight total against bottom-feeding Charlton this coming Saturday?

Slack Song of the Day: I've been catching the Wilco bug lately, so let's turn our attention to Yankee Hotel Foxtrot this morning -- Jesus, Etc., I'm the Man Who Loves You, and Heavy Metal Drummer.


At 1:36 PM, Anonymous Velvet Sea Can't Handle the Truth said...

did i catch a "few good men" tease in paragraph 6?

At 1:52 PM, Blogger DannyNoonan said...

I always thought it was funny that Nicholson called out Kevin Pollack in that speech. "you leutenant Weinberg?!?!"

At 1:59 PM, Blogger Garrett Reid said...

I am so sorry that women grope you. Must be terrible. Do you feel cheap and degraded? And, by the way, you cannot beat a song with lyrics: Shiny, shiny pants and bleach blonde hair. A double kick drum by the river in the summer. She fell in love with a drummer. . . Playing kiss covers, beautiful & stoned.

At 2:02 PM, Blogger Claven said...

Shortly after a buddy of mine moved to Akron, he and his wife started popping out kids one after another. His father eventually asked him why they were so bent on copulating sans contraception. He told his father there really wasn't anything else to do in Ohio.

At 2:16 PM, Blogger Lozo said...

wanted you to know i caught mean girls last night. not only was it funny, but tina fey wasn't UNfunny in it. that's as far as i'll go with that.

At 2:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Chad Homo-erotic Sexington

At 2:36 PM, Blogger Sox1918 said...

lovin the Wilco bug ace. you've finally come around.

oh...and being the fan of a mercurial 7-6 Giant squad still capable of beating anyone in the NFC in a playoff game with a healthy Strahan aint all that bad. Welcome back to earth Jets fans.

At 2:58 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

I'd venture to say every third post has an A Few Good Men tease in it...I rarely have an original thing to say, and that script helps me get by. Sorkin, genius. Interestingly, every Jew I know thinks Jessup's "You Lt. Weinberg?" line is clearly an ethnic slur. Everyone is a bunch of Uncle Leos.

Believe it or not, I DID feel a bit cheap and degraded, Garrett...I mean, I'm an insensitive asshole, sure, but for some reason this ass-pinching didn't really sit all that well with me. I just thought it was so out of character for this girl, who is SO shy usually, that I was more embarassed for her than flattered by her actions. I know with this face I should take what I can get, but it just seemed more sad to me than anything else.

Tina Fey is awesome, end of story, end of days.

At 2:58 PM, Blogger Alex Fritz said...

Keep up the Wilco, Ace. Nothing makes me want to wear flannel shirts, drink fortified wine and pop 'ludes like a hard Wilco kick. (and I mean that totally in a good way.)

Lozo - Mean Girls is great. Tim Meadows has his best movie role ever in it (and man that's saying nothing.) Tina Fey wrote the whole damn thing -- I don't care what you sy, she's funny.

At 3:48 PM, Blogger Mr. Underhill said...

In every conversation I have with a girl where we wind up talking about girly movies, I always say that Mean Girls is the best in the genre. Besides being true, it for some reason almost gives me a certain level of street cred with the jap I'm chatting with.

And as a point of clarification, the only reason this regularly comes up is because the jap will invariably ask what I do, and when I respond that I do M&A, her only point of reference is that she knows that's what Richard Gere did in Pretty Woman. And then I, pathetically, have to explain that "no, he was in finance and I'm a lawyer," and then I have to deal with the look of utter disppointment on her face because in Pretty Woman, the lawyer is slimy, short, bald and apparently attempts to steal from Richard McGerbilson. God, I suck.

At 4:01 PM, Anonymous kyle said...

Here is an email I received from my female boss the morning after our office party.

"So.....My husband tells me that right before my rapid decent into red wine hell, that I did some inappropriate "shaking of the booty" in your general direction (or as he put it, "you shook your ass in Kyle's face!!!")
I apologize for that! Hope you can just forget that little moment in time! Luckily I don't remember it."

I, on the other hand, DO remember it. And I think it might have to come up next compensation review.

At 6:52 PM, Blogger NewmRadio said...

Yes, Ohio is pretty damn boring and Cincinnati may even be more boring than Toledo... but I'm always happy watching those insubordinate Bengals inch their way closer and closer to the playoffs! It's gonna be a Saints and Bengals Super Bowl.

(and... these Blogger post verification words keep getting tougher)

At 6:52 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The jap's are even less savvy than you posit seeing as Richard Gere owned a P/E shop and not an M&A concern and any Sponsor would go ape-shit if you likened his work to M&A

But yeah, lawyer's suck anyway


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