Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Bush Wants To Sex Mutombo

So I guess there was some sort of speech in Warshington D.C. last night. I, for one, thought it made for great television when Colin Powell busted in and started yelling about how Bush "switched the samples" and "falsified the reports so RDU 90 could get approval." The president almost got away with it. But Colin's got the original pathology reports. And he never gives up.

I was on a plane at the time, so I didn't see the speech itself. I've read the text, and the Democratic reponse from Senator Jim Webb as well, but there's not really much comedy in that (which is all the SOTU is usually good for). How could I miss the Dikembe sighting? And for chrissakes, who wants to sex that man? I'm guessing it's Laura, who looks like she's wondering if the long hands match the tube.

So I've got nothing to say about the State of the Union, funny or otherwise. It's a non-story. But I've got a little story for youse anyway. Roommate Dorsey is moving out soon, so my name will now appear as the contact on the lease. I'm never met my landlord, but by all accounts he's a good guy. He owns the building, and I'm sure the mortgage is paid off, so he loves us, seeing as how our cash goes directly into his pocket. Here's a little more change for your pocket.

I'm started emailing with him to get the lease-signing off the ground, but remember when you read this that we've never seen each other's faces and have only exchanged three terse electronic communications in our history, all beginning last week. I wrote to him, "Thanks for everything, I really enjoy living in the apartment," to which he replied (in all italics for some reason):

"I am glad you enjoy the apartment and living there. It has alot of history. Friends of Thomas Merton lived there in the 50's. I baby sat for a couple who lived there in the 60's. I was 12 or so and they had no TV just walls of books. I remember reading Naked Lunch and On The Road for the first time and being so scandalized!

The women I baby sat for would get ready to go out and meet her husband for dinner. She always had a cocktail before she left. When she was ready to go she would stand in front of a standing light fixture they had in the living room and ask me how she looked. The light would shine through her dress and I wouldn't help but see the moon and the stars. To this day I still wonder if she did it on purpose. Of course I always said 'You Look Great!'"

Whooooa! We've known each other for three e-mails and already he's disclosing stories about seeing a grown lady's boobs and junk as a 12-year-old. Even crazier, he's openly questioning whether this was an act of exhibitionism. The only thing missing was the words "li'l boner." Between that forwardness and the mere mention of the beat writers, I think I'm gonna like sending rent checks to this guy.

Slack Link of the Day: My favorite headline of the day: Dutch shock at proposed dating show for 'visibly disfigured'. I hear Dutch shock beats a Dutch oven every time.

Slack Video of the Day: Seriously, this Marvin Gaye video from Amsterdam in 1976 is the concrete proof as to why white people are inferior to black people. Wow, awesome.

Slack Song of the Day: I'm feeling the classical this let's digest a little Yo-Yo Ma Prelude from Suite 1 in G Major.


At 1:14 PM, Blogger MDS said...

I've always thought it's weird how the woman who tells Dr. Richard Kimball that the samples "all came from the same liver" is the trainer in Best In Show and the chick who is initially trying to get info on George Sr. but then falls in love with him on Arrested Development. It's harder to watch The Fugitive now because of that.

At 1:56 PM, Anonymous Patrick Walsh said...

GREAT landlord story. The next time he's over at your place, I'd give him a little silhouette show of your own, make him nostalgic. He's seen the moon and the stars, why not the twig and the berries?

When I moved into my old place in Astoria, my landlord told me my front door was dented because, and I quote:

"Last owner had tough-guy boyfriend. Sometimes he hit girlfriend. Sometimes he hit door. She leave in the night without paying."

Then he shrugged and shuffled off.

At 3:27 PM, Blogger Don Fiedler said...

But Colin, I'm in the middle of this spee-etch.

At 4:36 PM, Anonymous Rashid Z. Muhammad said...

Naked Lunch at 12? If he got through it, how could he not grow up to be an interesting guy?

At 5:57 AM, Blogger Alex Fritz said...

What about the janitor from Scrubs being the subway cop in The Fugitive? Gets me every time. Keep the obscure mid-90's jokes acoming, Ace. You've got a target audience in one guy, I know that.

Also, what if your landlord made that whole story up, then goes back and googles an entire sentence from it, to find out whether or not his tenants are trustworthy? In today's accusatory society, with all those shifty, beady eyes out there, you just can't be too safe. Loose lips and all...

At 9:20 AM, Blogger Don Fiedler said...

As a Devlin MacGregor investor, I was completely in favor of switching the samples. We turned a 75% profit in that quarter. Kimball and Lentz should have just gone along with the plan: take a fishing junket to Cancun and count your money. Jeez, as far as I could tell, people couldn't even finish their dessert and coffee.


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