Monday, January 15, 2007


For those of you that haven't seen the two-night, four-hour season premiere of the popular Fox drama 24 yet, please don't read this post.

There are spoilers contained herewithin, and I recommend you avert your eyes if you want to remain surprised when you eventually watch it. If you wish to opt out, feel free to click this link here, which will take you to the post below this one. If you wish to proceed, please continue below the awesome Bauer photo...

The Communist Chinee* government held Jack Bauer as an enemy combatant prisoner for two years, where he didn't speak a single word for the duration of his stay and was tortured daily, leaving hideous scars all over his length-challenged torso.

Since his release a mere four hours ago, Bauer spoke his first word in two years and shaved his playoff beard. Good start, that's what I'd do. He's also been sacrificed to a terrorist organization by the New President Palmer, he was tortured severely, he bit through a person's neck veins and killed him to escape custody, he rescued a terrorist from an immediate incoming military air strike, he kicked a suicide bomber off a subway to save the passengers as the bomb exploded, he created an intentional high-speed car accident with a suspect, he ushered a known terrorist into political negotiations with the United States and then he shot and killed a CTU colleague and friend with a bullet to the throat in order to defend that terrorist. Oh yeah, then a nuclear bomb exploded because he couldn't find it fast enough.

Got all that?

Color me Badd amazed that Jack still knows how to drive a car or work a mobile PDA unit with a complicated GPS system. If I miss a week of work I forget how to properly log in to my office computer; but, this guy can spend 24 months locked in a Chinese jail cell getting the life and soul literally beaten out of him "for nothing," and he can come back to all that shit without missing much of a beat.

I don't know, I think he's making this Missouri kid look like a pansy. Kid's been out a few days and he barely even smiles -- one thing is for certain, that 15-year-old weakling is no Jack Bauer.

Look, I love 24. It's easily the most suspenseful television show I can remember, probably the most suspenseful of my lifetime. I'm on board, I've been on board, I'll watch it as like it as long as it's part of regular weekly programming. But I never get the people that call it the "greatest show on television." Again, it's a dynamite thriller, and it's great, but dear lord, the acting is basically the "greatest piece of elephant dung wrapped in burnt garbage on television."

Pedro Serrano's awful acting as President has been replaced by his television brother, and now the Guy from Ally McBeal has decided to add his own brand of horrendous thespian skills to the proceedings. The old standbys are as poor and unwatchable as ever, but whose decision was it to bring fucking Kumar into the fold?

Kumar, from the White Castle picture? The one with Doogie Howser?

Hey, I can tolerate the sudden shift to drama from Jim Carrey and Tom Hanks, and I guess even Adam Sandler. But Kumar as a suburban terrorist? Who thought it was a smart idea to cast the guy who will forever be best remembered as a cheetah-riding, blunt-smoking, pube-trimming stoner with the mini-burger munchies and the sex-starved Indian protege of Van Wilder as the serious-as-balls "soldier of war?" You gotta be shitting me. What, Rip Taylor and Rita Rudner weren't available to play the terrorist's parents in this one?

Having said all that, awesome premiere. Good stuff, I'm hooked.

(*not racist, read your Heinlein)


At 10:32 AM, Anonymous Jude said...

shaved "playoff beard"...good one...had no idea he was an Ottawa Senator.

At 11:50 AM, Blogger Chuck said...

I think 24 is some sort of black hole for actor talent. I mean, look at Regina King...she's done a decent job in a number of movies: Jerry MaGuire, Ray, Friday (alright, mostly). Now she's on 24 and it's like she's never acted before. Maybe it's just the writing (probably), but I like to think that there is some sort of brainwashing talent suck that is going on before each scene.

But it's an entertaining show...and laughing at it is half the fun, really.

At 12:14 PM, Blogger Matty Mac said...

Do you think when they were rehearsing or shooting the scene when Jack bites the guy's neck, the director was telling Sutherland "think back to 'Lost Boys', bite him like you are feeding on Corey Haim's older brother"?

This is the first season that I Have actually watched, and it is quite entertaining. Far-fetched? Absolutely. I mean, Jack steals a cell phone and the owner obviously has yet to notice that it is gone along with his/her car, he knows just about everyone's phone number, and he gets great service with Nextel. All of which, to me, is almost impossible. I didn't watch last night's episode(s), but they are waiting for me on the DVR.

At 12:24 PM, Blogger John Howard said...

My DVR fucked up last night right in the middle of the second episode, so I missed all the good parts.

Killing a good guy has to be a low point, even for Jack.

At 1:09 PM, Blogger ethan said...

and hey, never mind the 8 inch steel rod that was jabbed in his spine. or the knife to the bundle of shoulder nerves. just rub some dirt on that jack, and walk it off.

regardless i won't miss an episode either. though i'm definitely still lamenting the loss of edgar.

At 1:22 PM, Anonymous Greg said...

come on now, as a Leaf fan I know that the Senators' playoff beards never have a chance to get that long....

At 1:47 PM, Anonymous Patrick Walsh said...

I know you were being sarcastic, but all one need do is take in Rip Taylor's subtle, nuanced performance in "Wayne's World 2" to know he's got the chops to cut it in the dramatic world.

At 1:50 PM, Blogger jakezebra said...

Kumar Van Wilder Singh Great Tiger is horrendous. Dude's also almost thirty, so I don't know who's buying him as a high school student. I did enjoy when the meatstick from down the street kicked the door in at his family's Majal and Kumar was going to defend himself with a chair, like he's lion tamer or some shit. It's okay overall, willing suspension of disbelief can only be pushed so far, especially when your actors are in a competition to blow.

At 2:07 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

I did enjoy when the meatstick from down the street kicked the door in at his family's Majal...

You know, I never thought I'd see the day when Rube the simpleton catcher from Major League II and Taj Kumar fight to the death on a Fox drama watched by millions of people. As I said in June of 1994, now I can die in peace.

At 6:43 PM, Blogger Lozo said...

as someone who has never watched a single episode of this show, i don't get why every dude i know has a man-crush on a 40-year-old guy on a show that's plotlines, from what i'm told, are about as ridiculous as can be.

but hey, whatever you're into.

At 12:22 PM, Anonymous Rashid Z. Muhammad said...

If you watch the 24 Prequel you'll see that Jack's time in China was not totally in vain (for the Chinese that is).

Personally I thought that Dennis Haysbert (Cerrano) was one of the few decent actors in the early going of 24. I also think that Keifer is great and Gregory Itzin (President Logan) last year was awesome.

With that said, the writing has always been on the ludicrous side. I have a long post in the works about this that I'm just going to have to trim down today just to get it up before next weeks episode.

Why do guys have a man-crush on Jack Bauer? Cause we love to watch a dude kick ass for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and a midnight snack.


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