Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Craigslist Gold: Vasectomy

I'm gonna hand the keys over to a complete stranger today, not out of general laziness or lack of ideas, but rather out of deference to an incredible story. I don't care if this turns out to be one man's vivid imagination, it's too good not to pass on. So without further (Freddy) ado, here's an all-star Craigslist tale about a vasectomy...

I'll try to sum up a funny story that happened a few years ago:

I got a vasectomy.

I met a girl soon afterwards. She was nice and attractive but with a selfish streak that raised a big red flag. She was 32 at the time and I could practically HEAR her biological clock ticking. Regardless, she was a good lay, easy on the eyes, and reasonably good company.

I did NOT tell her about my vasectomy and I always used a condom with her to protect against STDs. She assumed, obviously, that the condom was only used for birth control. Silly girl.

We date for a few months. I never made any move towards commitment but she brought it up ocassionally. For me, this was a casual but pleasant relationship. For her - as I was to find out - it was part of life-changing series of events that she was planning very carefully.

Four months into dating, I get the "I'm pregnant" talk. She's going on and on about how the condom must have broke and now we really need to think about getting married "for the baby". She's positively giddy. She has a baby in her and she thinks she's gonna have a good meal ticket (me) to go along with her new 7lb annuity.

At this point, I'm just as giddy. I get to pull the reverse "oops" on her. I figured that she slept with some bad boy and got knocked up. Good thing I was using condoms! Better still that I have a serious mistrust of women who can't think beyond their own uteri.

So I wait a couple of days to "think about all this." I meet her again. I say I don't want kids and that she should have an abortion. I know where this is going and sure enough it goes there. She goes completely batshit insane on me. There were the usual insults about my manhood. There were threats of legal action. It was all very ugly and I was loving every minute of it.

Well, I let her stew for a few days. She leaves me nasty messages on my phone. She sends awful emails. I'm laughing hysterically.

It was time to drop the hammer. While she was stewing I was busy. First I get a notarized copy from the urologist who performed the vasectomy. Next I get a notarized copy of the TWO test results indicating a "negative test result for sperm" to show I'm sterile and shooting blanks. Finally, I get a letter from a shark attorney stating he has seen the other documents and is prepared to litigate against this woman if she continues to communicate with me in such an unpleasant manner. Also, the letter states that we will insist on DNA testing to show that the baby is not mine. I'm ready.

I meet with this woman at her place. I bring flowers and a small bit of jewelry to show I am willing to reconcile and assume my responsibilities as a new father. I also have stuck in my pocket the documents I have prepared.

She's all giddy again. Her plan is going perfectly - or so she thinks. We talk about our future. We have some pretty good sex. Then, as I am about to walk out the door, I ask her the $64,000 question. "Are you sure that this baby is mine?"

Well, she goes batshit insane again. Hell, she ought to. Her plan could completely unravel if there is ANY question about my paternity. Oh, she's really screaming now. How dare I question her morals. Do I think she's a slut. I'm just trying to weasel out of my responsibilities... blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda.

I'm not really mad. I'm kind of embarrassed for her. But since she won't shut up and the neighbors can hear all of this, I ask her to step back inside and sit down. She sits on the sofa and calms down a bit. She is glaring at me with all the moral self-righteousness that only a woman can muster up. She thinks she has me trapped. She is 100% convinced her plan has worked. Oh, the tangled web of lies and deceit she has wrought around herself and I am about to hack through them with a few pieces of paper.

I reach into my pocket slowly. I extract the three pieces of paper and unfold them slowly and deliberately.

I tell her simply, "You're screwed".

Her look doesn't change. There is no way she can fathom what I have prepared.

I continue. "I am sterile"

Her look changes just a bit. Something is beginning to sink in. Naturally, she reverts to women's logic. "You're full of shit. You're trapped and you know it."

I hold up the letter and the test results. "Three months before we met, I had a vasectomy. Here is a notarized letter from him stating what I had done. Here are two test results showing that I tested negative for the presence of sperm. Blanks. I am shooting blanks. That baby inside you is simply not mine."

This woman is not to be swayed by logic and clear documentation. "Bullshit, those are fakes."

I was ready for that. "No, they are real. This last piece of paper is from my attorney. It's a simple letter to you that states if you pursue any kind of legal action against me for child support that I will insist on a DNA test to prove paternity, that is, to prove that your baby is not mine."

I give the woman all the documents. She reads them slowly, deliberately. With each passing second she can feel in her soul that she has made a very bad mistake. With denial swept away, she started to cry. It's a small cry at first. Then it becomes deeper and more painful. By the time she gets to the letter from the lawyer she is sobbing.

I had no sympathy for her. I turned and walked out the door. Even after I closed the door I could still hear her sobbing.

Epilogue -

I never heard directly from this woman again. I did hear through my friends that she did indeed have the baby. I also heard that the real father was some guy in a band she had met. I assumed that after 30, women stopped going after musicians, bikers, criminals, and thugs. Silly me for thinking the best of American women.

The Moral of the Story: Get a vasectomy but keep it a secret.

(Thanks to our friend Teddy for passing this one along)

Slack Link of the Day: I'd love to see a Super Troopers fan at the helm of a major paper, only so we can catch a headline about this story about fake anthrax on a Missouri college campus that reads "Officer Farva to College Kids: It's Powdered Sugar, It's Delicious."

Slack Video of the Day: Here's a great one from Deadspin, one that makes us all pine for the carefree college days...

Slack Song of the Day: I have no idea how this happened, but I'm about to post Kenny Loggins movie tunes. My apologies. But they're awesome. Enjoy them. Cherish them.

Here we go: I'm Alright [Caddyshack], Meet Me Half Way [Over the Top], I'm Free (Heaven Helps the Man) [Footloose], and of course, Danger Zone [Top Gun]. Loggins + Movies = Genius.

Slack Show of the Day: Ya know, it's the four-year anniversary of the 2/28/03 epicness at Nassau Coliseum. And I'd be remiss if I didn't post a link to the most debated and disputed show in Phish's entire history. As an eyewitness to the aural carnage, I think it was the best concert of theirs I saw after the [first] hiatus, and I'll just leave it at that. And anyone who bashes it based on others' more positive reactions should die of gonorrhea and rot in hell. Laces out!


At 12:22 PM, Blogger ahren said...


also, that story is great. every girl i've ever dated summed up in one nice anecdote.

At 2:31 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Ha, and I'm sure they all appreciate that sentiment. No, but seriously, they're all batshit crazy.

The Back on the Train from the 2/28 show is sickening.

At 2:52 PM, Blogger Lozo said...

i once dated a girl for three months. she claimed she was pregnant, but little did she know i was sterile. so i tricked her into thinking i would care for the child, fucked her one last time, showed her documented proof i was sterile, and never saw her again.

that story ok, but about 900 words too long.

At 3:06 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Lozo, of all your intentionally contrarian, holier-than-thou bullshit, I think that one takes the cake for Biggest Crapfest of an Opinion. Take a bow, you're now the new King of Awesome.

At 3:19 PM, Blogger Lozo said...

lol i love you too.

and for the record, it's never intentional.

At 5:38 PM, Anonymous Garrett Reid said...

Yes - women can truly be crazy - as evidenced by this girl's intention to have some drummer's baby. If there is one rule in life this girl's mother should have instilled in her it is to never have the drummer's baby.

At 6:18 PM, Anonymous Rashid Muhammad said...

"She is glaring at me with all the morals elf-righteousness that only a woman can muster up."

Ha! I love it!

At 11:02 AM, Blogger Diesel said...

Of course, if the asshole had told her he had had a vasectomy, she might never have tried to trap him by getting pregnant in the first place, and there would be one less unwanted, unloved child in the world, who will probably grow up to be a drug addict or rapist.

But hey, funny story!


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