Monday, February 26, 2007

Run, Forrest Al, Run

There was a moment when Leo D and Albie Gore were doing shtick last night when the former vice man faked an announcement that he'd be running for the presidency in 2008. The shtick ended poorly and predictably, and its comedy was only matched by Clint Eastwood translating Italian from some lifetime achievement symphony dude.

But I think Gore should have announced his intentions, for real, right there, and I'm not even half-kidding. And I'm not talking about doing it for teevee ratings, I just think the timing would have been perfect. Tell me you wouldn't have committed to voting for him right then and there if he delivered the following speech I'm now creating on the fly:

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm in it. I'm down. Gore in the hizzy.

I thought the 2000 election would be the worst thing that ever happened to me. But in reality, that bitterly contested loss set me free. That loss helped me become a complete person, not just the fake-smiling bozo deluxe I had become that pretended to affect change. I was my father's son -- my father, the politician -- and the pressure I faced on a daily basis from the time I was young to become the President of the United States made me uneasy and cautious.

But after more than six years free from the bastardized partisan political system that's been attacking the heart of our democracy, I can tell you in all honesty I no longer have the time for polemics nor the inclination to count the many ways that congressional gridlock fills campaign coffers. I am not beholdened to a party any more, unless there's a party fighting for the greater good of which I'm unaware.

The United States of America has been humbled on the world stage by our own unconscionable hubris and gross incompetence -- hoisted by our own petard, if you're into old timey cliches. We can all stand up and say we want change and claim we will change, but we have to be about change. And it starts with the way we choose our leaders. Some of the candidates on both sides of the aisle are friends of mine, but do we really want another gladhanding career politician in the White House? I used to be one, and I'd go back kick my own ass if I could.

I'm about getting things done, not about appearances. I have clout with world leaders and the leaders of the largest global corporations. The issues that matter most to the world matter most to me, in real life, not on the campaign trail. And I'm ready to bring positive change to this country and to the world, to repair the seemingly irreparable damage we've incurred to our global standing, our military, our education system, our environment, and most of all, our sense of being an American. I want to revert to a time when everyone felt pride for this country, when everyone felt we were, in fact, a force for good. It's time to put an end to our love of plastering Canadian flags on our backpacks and luggage to be liked.

I don't think I have all the right answers, but I know what I'm capable of. I know what you're capable of, and together, I know what this country is capable of. I'm not asking you to vote for me, I'm asking you to listen to me and watch me, and I guarantee you'll find the man you want leading this country for the next four years. And if I lose, I'll grow back the beard and never shave it off. I promise you that. Good night, and may God bless deez nuts.

P.S. I just made out with Ellen backstage. True story.

Slack Link of the Day: Stay away from Rulon Gardner! The former Olympic wrestling champ is basically filming his own version of Final Destination 4. The rasslin' hero of the 2000 Olympics survived a small plane crash over the weekend, just a couple years after being rescued in the Wyoming wilderness (though he lost a toe to frostbite) and getting hit by a car while riding his motorcycle. I want a "Rulon Gardner Wrestles Death and Wins" shirt.

(Oh, and in case you're interested, I watched Final Destination 3 recently. It's as not awesome as you think.)

Slack Video of the Day: Don Fiedler and I hit up the Red Lion around the corner from my apartment for the early Sunday morning Carling Cup Final between powerhouse Chelsea and powerhouse-but-sitting-all-their-starters Arsenal. The match paired up Arseweb youth versus Chavski experience, and it certainly did not disappoint. For Americans looking to dip their toes into the sport without diving all the way in (I made a diving joke there because that's the number one complaint I hear about English footie), this was the match to watch.

In addition to the spirited up-and-down play throughout and surprise early dominance by the young Arsenal squad, we saw John Terry get kicked in the face and knocked unconscious, Theo Walcott score his first ever goal for the Gunners, and a quasi-brawl erupt between the two sides in injury time. Shit, this was probably the first time I ever saw more than 100 minutes of soccer played without the regulated extra time required to break a tie.

But the goal that won it was incredible Didier Drogba header off a cross from Mr. Jazz Hands himself, Arjen Robben. Check that shit out. Chelsea should have won this match, no doubt. But it was the manner in which they won it that made this one one of the most interesting League Cup finals in a long time. And the full English breakfast was lovely. Delicious.

Slack Song of the Day: Let's hit up some North Mississippi Allstars music this morning, just for this shit of it, 'cuz I got nuthin' else: Shake 'Em On Down, Bad Bad Pain, and Snake Drive.


At 12:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ace for President!!

At 12:39 PM, Anonymous HB said...

Fuck Gore .. Rulon Gardner for Prez!

Think of all the money we could save on secret service agents and bulletproof limos

At 12:47 PM, Blogger bean said...

here here! - on the gore speech. well done. although i must admit i thought the canned bit was actually funny.

At 1:00 PM, Blogger John said...

Ace in '08!

At 1:22 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

I appreciat the enthusiasm, but I wouldn't get more than 2 percent of the black vote after this blog became public knowledge...

Shit, I'd probably lose all women and hispanics as well, and jeez, the Jews would kill me. I better nip this in the bud before it starts.


At 1:43 PM, Blogger DannyNoonan said...

You'd have the hippie soccer-fan demographic all locked up... but turnout from that group might be spotty.

I thought Gore came off a lot like Pat Robertson or Jerry Falwell or something like that. All the stars were sweating him like he was a holy-man. That kid from Growing Pains said something about how Al "helped him see the light" for example. It just stuck me as environmentally cultish--all while a fleet of limos sat outside with the engines running...

At 1:43 PM, Blogger the girl also blogs said...

Whatever. I'd still vote for you. Or at the very least, pay you to write speeches for me.

At 4:01 PM, Blogger ethan said...

even with your speech, gore won't go anywhere without jesse the body as his running mate.

At 5:51 PM, Blogger Alex Fritz said...

To: Ace
From: A dog
re: Your breakfast.

Ohmy... Bacon! baconbaconbaconbaconbaconbaconbacon...whats it say, i can't read, i'm a dog... it's BACON!

Best breakfast/ futbol meat ever. (yes, better than the Gore shanks.)

At 6:49 PM, Blogger NewmRadio said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

At 6:51 PM, Blogger NewmRadio said...

Ummm... what a well-written speech (no joke).

Also, Ellen was brilliant last night! Yeah?


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