Tuesday, February 20, 2007

T.O. Is a Pussy

You think Terrell Owens is a clubhouse cancer? Think Romanowski was a douchebottle? Liverpool striker Craig Bellamy makes them look like high-school hall monitors with perfect attendance badges.

I happen to support the most boring team in English football right now. They've been incredibly fun to root for in previous seasons, but this year it's like watching paint dry, or stated more Britishly, it's like watching the lift ascend and descend. Waking up early on Saturdays for Liverpool matches this year has been like driving 35 miles for a 1950s Indiana high school basketball game.

Yet somehow my Reds went all Cincinnati Bengals on us this weekend, eschewing any signs of life on the pitch for plenty of action off of it. Leave it to the Welsh to start trouble: Buddy Lembeck lookalike Craig Bellamy allegedly attacked Norwegian teammate John Arne Riise with a golf club following a dispute over karaoke (a Fjordian slip, Craig?). Nobody's particularly sure whether the argument stemmed from Bellamy's desire to sing 2 in a Room's Wiggle It and Riise's choice of 3rd Bass' Pop Goes the Weasel or whether there was another reason.

Liverpool players also made waves elsewhere this weekend in Portugal, where the club was practicing before tomorrow's enormous match against Barcelona in the Champion's League (the last two CL winners facing off). Three other known jerks -- Jerzey Dudek, Robbie Fowler and Jermaine Pennant -- got into a barroom scrape, proving you do never walk alone or drink alone or fight alone, and they may or may not have had a run-in with la policia. In all, manager Buster Bluth Rafa Benitez fined 15 of his 22 players today.

But the real story here is Bellamy's penchant for jerkstoreishness. Again, think T.O. and Romo were bad dudes? Bellamy's dwarfs these fools: He's even been described many times as the only person that can start an argument with himself. On the field he's Esa Tikkanen and Claude Lemieux on meth; off it, he's part-Mike Tyson and part-Ike Turner, making for one full-time asshole.

In the past five years, the 27-year-old Bellamy has hit a woman in a nightclub, he assaulted a local student while at Newcastle, he's been charged with racially aggravated harassment outside a nightclub (though later acquitted), he headbutted an opponent before Zidane made it cool, he threw a chair at Newcastle's assistant manager, he was fined £80,000 for calling his manager a liar (which led Graeme Souness to grab Bellamy by the throat and drag him into the empty Newcastle training-ground gym), and recently he was cleared of assaulting a teenage girl in a nightclub, which I'm sure he did anyway.

I'm not sure where striking your mild-mannered left midfielder/ defender with an iron AFTER the fact ranks on Bellamy's list of transgressions. But, shit, if it fires up the Reds for the Champions League fixture at Camp Nou/Nou Camp in Barcelona tomorrow, I'll be one happy man. Do it for Riise's bruises, boys.

For more on the Champions League, make sure to stop by and read Cardillo's latest post over at That's On Point, which has quickly turned into my favorite blog on the world wide cyberweb.

Slack Link of the Day: Hey, how long's it been since I posted a Strong Bad e-mail in this space? Let's rectify that shit, post-haste.

Slack Video of the Day: For the record, the only part of NBA All Star Weekend that was actually entertaining was the Chaz Barkley v Dick Bavetta footrace (and the smooching aftermath). Seriously, Barkley needs to race someone every year. Make this happen.

Slack Song of the Day: This morning I posted a link to this Bela Fleck and Bruce Hornsby stream over on Hidden Track, and it's so good I thought I'd share it here as well. Piano and banjo, an lovely duo.

2 Comments:

At 2:32 PM, Anonymous andy said...

Dude, I was real excited about TO being a pussy. Right on.

You lost me at English Football, but Strong Bad is definitely a hero.

burninatin' the countrysie.

 
At 4:43 PM, Blogger Boski93 said...

So if we were to equate Mr. Bellamy's soul to a corresponding British city it would be Hull.

 

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