Wednesday, March 21, 2007

How Do You Know It's a Mail Truck?

I never really understood the point of bumper stickers, mud flaps with naked ladies or the "Baby on Board" placards. Why someone would choose to pay a significant amount of money for an automobile and then choose to adorn it with cheesy slogans and tacky accessories just never made all that much sense to me. But I'm only one man, and I'm not so fashionable, as evidenced by my velcro sneakers.

Still, when I was down in Florida for Langerado* I got my first peak at the latest trend in Git'r Dun Couture that absolutely floored me: Truck Nutz, aka Bumper Nuts. I thought I hated ghetto culture more than just about anything outside of Tim McCarver, but as it turns out, I think I'm starting to hate the Style of Sleeveless Flannel even more.

Hey, rednecks, are you fucking serious? You're really gonna stand there and hang an oversized pair of synthetic, plastic testicles from the back of your truck? I've been trying for 10 days to come up with some good jokes for this post and I am about as stumped as Lt. Dan's old legs. I got nuthin'. I can't even begin to wrap my head around the thought process governing this decision.

What would possibly possess someone to be so flagrant in their abuse of social decency? I'm guessing about a case and a half of Busch Light.

Slack Link of the Day: Manny Ramirez wants you to buy his neighbor's grill; just another case of Manny Bring Foreman.

Slack Video of the Day: For lack of anything better, let's go back to the Chicken Dance Compilation from Arrested Development:

Slack Song of the Day: Can You Guess It? No, that's the song title.

*Also, it should be noted I never thanked my host, Miami's EB, for his generous hospitality down in Florida. You the dog now, man.


At 1:06 PM, Blogger Sisto said...

I once had a roommate who owned a 1970ish Ford Bronco that was parked in the front yard while he "Fixed" it. He did various things to it, such as bolting diamond-plate to it, painting it with rubberized outdoor paint using a roller, and he even hung a pair of these truck nuts on it. Then one day his bulldog ate them.

There's a wicked punchline in there somewhere.

At 1:08 PM, Blogger Chuck said...

RIP Arrested Development...that clip just made my week. Bluth Sr.'s interpretation has to take the cake...

At 2:20 PM, Blogger Matty Mac said...

Is there a "Three Amigos" reference in the title?

At 2:26 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

That *is* a Three Amigos reference in the title. I'm glad someone got that. Watching that movie all the time as a kid really stuck with me.

Sisto, you were one of those guys that had a rusty ol' pickup in the yard? You're so trashy, and it's awesome. You should marry Britney Spears' sister. I don't know why. There's no punchline in anything I just wrote.

RIP, Arrested Dev, indeed. They should make a kickass movie to wrap things up, even though they wrapped it up as good as they could've on short notice. I love Lindsay's dance. They're all awesome. Even Lucille's is classic. A-coodle-doodle-doo. A coodle-doodle-doo.

At 3:23 PM, Blogger Sisto said...

I was indeed, though it really WAS my roommate's truck. We thought it had tons of potential when we were 22. Then it sat there for about 4 years slowly wasting away it's potential. Eventually a squirrel moved into it. It mirrored my life in college almost perfectly. Except a squirrel never lived inside me. (I want you inside me! What did you say? Oh hey... from before...) Trust me, you haven't seen comedy until you've seen a man painting a truck with a paint roller. It was breathtaking.

At 4:23 PM, Anonymous Jude said...

Ace, know how to curb the sales of plastic novelty sacks? Easy. Prohibit the sale of any other color but big BLACK ONES in all red states.

Go on, Billy Bob Three-names, swing thems big negro nuts off yer truck!! He can brag to all the boys about 'em ... 'cuz, like Willie sez: "cowboys are frequently secretly fond of each other".


At 4:59 PM, Anonymous Jude said...

almost forgot...

speaking of "you the dog now, man":

At 6:10 PM, Anonymous Celia said...

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At 6:48 PM, Blogger NewmRadio said...

Whoa Ace... Celia digs you and thinks your blog is good-written. Plus she gets high... bonus! Or maybe she just shares in your hatred of truck nuts. Ridiculous. I'm sure they're rocking those in my fair (and very red... not meaning communist) hometown of Cincinnati.


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