Thursday, March 01, 2007

What Would You Do for a Klondike Bar?

I was about to craft a whole post around this "Man blames burrito for paralysis" story, but my man Coach just threw me a bigger and better bone. Okay, that came out a bit wrong.

CNN Money recently profiled a 34-year-old lottery winner named Brad Duke, detailing how the Idahoan Gold's Gym manager spent his $85 million lump sum winnings. It's a quick read and a marvelous tale of fiscal responsiblity, friendship and familial back-scratching, and I request you take a little gander at this piece now.

I think everyone I know would be a bit more aggressive than Mr. Duke, probably buying property around the country and world, splurging on trips for high school and college buddies, and tearing through escort after escort until a chafed penis forced the sad cancellation of such daily Bacchanalian orgies and feasts.

But it's amazing to me with all that money people still go broke after just a few years. This guy is on pace to grow his net worth to a billion dollars in 12 years. It seems to me (and my friend Monk who just said this) he'd make even more money consulting for other lottery winners and taking a percentage of their winnings for doing so.

So the real question is, what's the most extravagant and unnecessary thing you'd buy or do with a virtually unlimited sum of money like $85 million? I say unnecessary because the answer can't be "I'll finally get that heart transplant I couldn't afford," though I don't know many people on the waiting list that read this blog.

If you think my answer's not predictable like Ace Cowboy Presents the Popular Rock Band Phish Reunion at Bowery Ballroom for a Maximum of 200 of His Closest Friends, well, you just don't know me very well. Well, it's either that or get the breast enlargement that I've always wanted but couldn't afford. Spill it, what's on your list?


At 5:35 PM, Blogger kyle said...

With that much cash, his plan sounds pretty good. But I'd definitely invest that $35M of "aggressive investments" in restaurants. Hell, even franchises. Church's Chicken and Dunkin Donuts will always boom. They make money even if you are taking out huge loans.

Also, I'd set aside a good portion for hookers and blow.

At 5:58 PM, Blogger Chilly Jackwater said...

Is $85 million enough to force A-Rod and Jeter to make a gay porn (with Michael Kay providing the play-by-play)? If so, then that.

At 3:33 AM, Blogger Alex Fritz said...

Fuck, I'd get a heart transplant just cause I could!

Oh, and make guys kiss each other.

At 8:05 AM, Blogger hoobs said...

No lines...ever. I would force all the people in front of me at Starbucks ordering heated breakfast sandwiches while all I want is a regular coffee to wait for me. Whether that means paying people in line off or buying whatever establishment I'm at, I don't ever want to wait in lines again. Lines are for suckers.

At 10:43 AM, Blogger ahren said...

$85 million = sobriety checkpoint opens for phish, on the moon.

At 2:01 PM, Blogger DannyNoonan said...

Peace on Earth and good will towards men.

At 2:25 PM, Blogger p niz said...

i would buy anna nicole smith's body and have it stuffed and placed in my living room.

At 3:00 PM, Blogger PaulNoonan said...

1. I'd have Eddy Murphy and Dan Akroyd trade places.

2. Buy a bunch of shares in that upstart U-62.

3. Organize game between NY Yankees, Hackensack Bulls.

4. Money Bin.

5. Purchase Christmas goose for underpaid employee.

6. Nail down rug in case Dude shows up.

7. Track down Rosebud.

8. Pay back that young boy who brought me that jar of mincemeat all those years ago while I was escaping from prison.

9. Pretend to have cancer in an effort to reingratiate self to family.

10. Buy a Johnson Car (Note: If anyone gets this one I'll be super shocked)

(Sponsored by Seatech Astronomy)

At 3:17 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Like a Jimmy Johnson car? You might as well put it all aside to hang with Kyle, his hookers and blow!

Mrs. TJ

At 3:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'd buy an assload of Jujyfruits and a new pair of Lee jeans.

At 6:09 PM, Blogger Claven said...

I'd bide my time until 2015, saving nor spending a dime. Then I'd carjack Marty McFly and go back to 1980, with my $85 million. Since Lou had been losing money at the track I'd have to pay 50 cents a coke (still a bargain in 2015 terms). I'd do my best to buy the world a coke. But by my count of world population in 1980, I could only buy a coke for every 105 people.

At 8:42 PM, Blogger Momentary Academic said...

I'd build a bigger school than Oprah's and make a big sign that says, "screw you, lady!"

At 1:01 AM, Blogger Scott H said...

How much do you think a Jessica Alba lap dance would cost?

At 1:03 AM, Blogger Scott H said...

Oh and an NFL camera game crew to film it... from every angle.

Crap, is this a word verification or a sobriety test... it's ahrd.

At 6:46 AM, Blogger Alex Fritz said...

I give. What's a Johnson Car?

At 3:25 PM, Blogger PaulNoonan said...

The Johnson Car is a reference to the worst Disney movie ever made, the Gnome Mobile. In it, the rich grandfather's greatest wish is to buy a Johnson Car, which has one horse power. There's a song to go with it.

At 7:11 PM, Blogger DannyNoonan said...

"The Johnson Car is a reference to the worst Disney movie ever made, the Gnome Mobile. In it, the rich grandfather's greatest wish is to buy a Johnson Car, which has one horse power. There's a song to go with it."

How do you know/remember stuff like this Paul? I was around for most of your childhood and I've never heard of this movie.

At 2:35 PM, Blogger Lozo said...

i can't believe someone stole my brewster's millions thought. well played, sir. well played, indeed.

i think with that money, i'd just block off a floor of a hotel in vegas for me and my friends and just go absolutely crazy for three days. and by "go absolutely crazy" i mean "bang hot strippers and get drunk." like leaving las vegas, only i wouldn't die inside of elisabeth shue at weekend's end.

i'd also buy an iceberg. sorry. i had to go there.

At 12:09 AM, Blogger It's Me, Maven... said...

What I'd blow some cash on? In a word?


At 10:59 AM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Great answers from everyone...but you're all wrong. The correct answer was "Orange Juice Futures."

--Clarence Beeks

At 11:49 AM, Blogger Alex Fritz said...

Somebody elsec aught some Trading Places on comedy central last night, I see. Even though I own the DVD, I still have to watch it if I see it on cable.

What ever happened to Beeks, anyway?

At 2:43 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

I bet he got assraped by that gorilla for years to come. Beeks, the man who died the most horrible cinematic death since Mac Culkin in My Girl.

I actually did not see it on TV last night...I missed it, eh? I just had it on the brain this morning.


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