Monday, April 09, 2007

Paging Richard Mulligan

I can't stand the state of the modern television comedy, and as such, I've been trying to think of ways to improve it. And this weekend, I thought of a revolutionary new idea for a sitcom.

I'm telling you, this thing will be the talk of the town -- and I'm talkin' about the big town, a whole big town, not just one of those podunk dry towns with the one blinking yellow stoplight and the general store that sells Git'r'Done merchandise, fishing bait, and incest supplies*.

Here it is: I'm gonna produce an updated version of Empty Nest.

Well, it won't be Empty Nest exactly, and the characters will have different names and be staffed by different actors. But it will center around a widowed doctor, his insanely different daughters who've come home to live with him after failed marriages, his Southern belle nurse (okay, I'm still calling her Laverne), and his wacky neighbor, who may or may not be played by Joe Isuzu this time around. If Joe's not available, I'm getting Alvaro Espinoza. No idea why, that just sounds good to me.

Now, here's the twist: We're gonna sneak attack everyone here. We'll shoot five episodes, show them to the network, make it universally hilarious with Midwest appeal, all the while being very vague about Dr. James Christian's specialty. The show will predictably grab rave reviews, but then, about five episodes into it, we unleash the beast.

Dr. Christian is an abortion doctor. Late-terms and everything...

Is America ready for its first sitcom about an abortion doctor? I think so. Even if my updated masterpiece is offensively retitled Empty Womb? I still think so. If we can fall in love with a mobster, a crooked cop, a badass saloon proprietor, and some of the most depraved characters Hollywood screenwriters have ever created, surely we're ready for a lighthearted comedy about an abortion doctor with a heart of gold and a pair of mismatched daughters!

I'm gonna go engrave my own Emmy right now. Youse all agree, yeah? I mean, it's certainly better than the Womb or No Womb idea that we bandied about on Saturday, whereby a large studio audience would ultimately decide whether or not a preggers woman would have to abort the baby or keep it 'til birth (and if it's "keep it 'til birth, the audience then decides whether she'll raise it or give it up for adoption). I think that one has more potential for awesomeness, but at the same time, it's just a little over the top. Just a little.

Now I just need to find some interesting plot devices...

*What do you think constitutes "incest supplies?" Best answer gets $5.

Slack Link of the Day: Wait, some people actually want to set up a code of conduct for the blogosphere? Who are these outlaw wranglers, Wyatt and the Earp Brothers? No, no, in all seriousness... Go shit in your hat, ya no-good fonzanoon.

Slack Link of the Day II: The Rangers Report posted a clever little bit about Jaromir Jagr the other day, and with the playoffs kicking off for the Blueshirts on Thursday, I thought I'd throw it up here with the hope of getting some good blogging karma:

For those with a sense of humor, picture this: After his quote about how he even likes practice these days, he left the dressing room doing his impression Allen Iverson’s famous “Practice…We talkin’ about practice?” diatribe. To see and hear someone imitate “Practice?” in a Czech accent really puts a whole new spin on it as a comedy routine. Classic stuff.

Slack Video of the Day: Are you looking for a new way to fold a T-shirt? I know you are. I see you, struggling and misfolding. That's right, I watch you fold your laundry. I'm everywhere. And now I come with a new way. The new way. Watch this heady shit.

Slack Video of the Day II: "From One Awesome Derek To Another," Bernie Williams jams with the Allmans at the Beacon on Saturday.

Slack Song of the Day: My Hidden Track pard'ner Scotty B turned me on to the Grateful Dead Taper's Section when it launched some months ago, and you'd have to be a serious turd to ignore it so often. Seriously, this thing is the tits, the bees' knees, the cats' meow (actually, is it a singular cat or plural cats that are meowing?). This week's Section is fantastic, and it features a ridiculous version of It's A Man's World by Pigpen that you gotta hear. Check out the rest, it's one of the best free resources you'll find for quasi-hidden Dead tracks.

11 Comments:

At 12:40 PM, Blogger Kevin said...

Best incest supply? Thats easy. A gag. You don't need to purchase one, just use their dirty underwear. I'm just guessing and could really use the 5 spot, you know...for incest supplies.

 
At 1:17 PM, Blogger Sisto said...

A "World's Best Dad" T-shirt.

 
At 1:22 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Ho, snap...I like each answer as much as the other. So far, you're splitting $2.50.

 
At 1:27 PM, Blogger Joseph said...

candy, tissues, wheelbarrow (to help either party tote around their confusion or anger)

 
At 1:47 PM, Blogger nikkos said...

You speak as though Git R Done merchandise and incest supplies are two different things.

 
At 2:33 PM, Blogger Matty Mac said...

A birth certificate and the baby's bib for clean up.

 
At 4:45 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Best incest supply: low self esteem.

 
At 4:53 PM, Anonymous Jude said...

hey, the t-shirt folding thing...

nailed it on the first try!

perfectly centered, just like the asian chick.

I'M LIKE THE FUCKING KING OF THAT THING.

I'm THAT awesome.
Yep.

 
At 5:10 PM, Blogger Boxcar Fritz said...

I actually won an Oscar last year for my updated version of "The Burbs." I wish you luck. Not quite the best of luck, but luck nonetheless.

Best incest supply: Breast feeding until the age of 15. Not really a supply, but it would be sweet...

Wait...

 
At 6:30 PM, Blogger PaulNoonan said...

Best Incest Supply:

A Toby Keith Album.

You know. To set the mood.

I mean, I assume...

 
At 2:15 PM, Blogger dhodge said...

I caught part of Airplane! on Comedy Central last weekend. Even though I've seen that movie a million times, I never noticed that David Leisure (a/k/a Joe Isuzu) plays one of the Hare Krishnas. I also noticed, when I went to IMDB to confirm this, that he once played Brandon Tartikoff on an episode of ALF.

 

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