Spread That Shit, Yo
My usual Friday morning bagel slides out from the industrial toaster in the office cafeteria, and I grab some foil, two pieces actually, so I can wrap it up tightly and suffocate the warmth.
I walk over to the schmear station, and I'm met with the usual slew of ragtag options -- cream cheese, cream cheese with veggies, cream cheese with other shit, different types of jelly, and the tub of butter that sits where it sits. I make a B-line for that tub, with the B standing for Butter Me Up and Lick Me Dry, zero trans-fats on this chiseled, buttered body. Shit, I'm rambling.
There's a woman in front of me, taking her sweet-ass time. She's chatting with the girl next to her, something about files or pantyhose, I'm not paying attention. Pigs (Three Different Ones) plays on my iPod, and I'm off in a Floyd World. The Floydster. I'm thinking about Les Claypool playing this one at the Riviera in 1999, how that's still stuck in my head. I'm thinking about how to properly pronounce the word "charade" like a real Brit. I'm thinking about how badly I want to crawl into my bed with a 60-box of assorted Munchkins and smother myself in undersized baked goods and slumber.
That's when I realize it's been about a minute since I stood behind this woman. What the shit is goin' down here? Seriously, it's butter, it's bread, it spreads on quick and we all move on. Right? Right! Now move before I bend down to tie my shoes and instead slice your achilles with this butter knife I've acquired. Before I get my chance to deliver pain, she turns around...
Butter Girl: Oh, I'm sorry, am I taking too long?
Ace Cowboy: No, no, I don't even want to go to my desk.
BG: It's just that, this butter is acting weird.
Ace: (totally deadpan) You're saying we have weird-acting butter?
BG: Yes! It's not breaking apart.
Ace: Is that what non-weird butter does? Breaks apart?
BG: Okay, I'm done now. All yours.
Ace: Thanks, I'll get out my pick-axe.
She smiles and wonders whether I'm witty and charming or the biggest asshole in the office building. Little does she know, I'm both.
Slack Video of the Day: Our friends over at WebjunkTV have some definitive proof that Family Guy steals liberally from The Simpsons. I'm not sure how new this theory is, but kudos bar to them for compiling the smoking gun. I'll pretend this never happened.
Slack Flashback of the Day: With the Kentucky Derby tomorrow, let's look back at the 2000 running, when I decided Churchill Downs was both the greatest and worst place in the world. I can't tell you how proud I am to re-read this line I wrote: "She may not have seen a horse all day long, but at that moment she was staring eye-to-eye with a horsecock."